


it's always been you

by raven69



Series: just another cliché angsty love story [1]
Category: Mamamoo
Genre: Angst, F/F, Post-Break Up
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-27
Updated: 2020-08-27
Packaged: 2021-03-06 22:00:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,597
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26136136
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/raven69/pseuds/raven69
Summary: "Let's break up.""What?""I said let's break up, you and me."or where Moon Byulyi is a selfish mess who's still kinda madly in love with a certain Kim Yongsun.
Relationships: Bae Joohyun | Irene/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul, Kim Yongsun | Solar/Moon Byulyi | Moonbyul
Series: just another cliché angsty love story [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1906342
Comments: 3
Kudos: 30





	it's always been you

**Author's Note:**

> first moonsun/moonrene fic i've ever written.
> 
> it's based off of my 2 favorite songs right now (which are somehow weirdly connected):  
> —"youuu" by coin  
> —"the butterfly effect" by before you exit.
> 
> comments are very much appreciated! this took me 3 hours to make but i had fun. :)))

"Let's break up." 

Byulyi stopped on her tracks as she noticed Yongsun lagging behind–hearing those words come out of her mouth. "What?" 

Yongsun inhaled a heap of cold November air and uttered a little bit louder, "I said let's break up, you and me." 

They were out again, doing what they usually do during their late night dates. It was freezing outside as the snowflakes fell one by one each passing second. 

"Why..?" Byulyi asked, a bit hesitant.

"You know why. I'm just.. tired of this. Tired of everything. Being with you, being your girlfriend, being someone I'm not."

Byulyi was silent for a moment, contemplating what to say or how to respond to that. It was true, that Yongsun changed. That both of them changed somewhrre in the middle of their relationship. And it wasn't that kind of change that made them grow as better people. They both knew that. This was the only time someone brought it up but they knew eventually they will have this talk. 

She wasn't sure if it was just the cold that's making Yongsun's nose a bit red or if she was close to crying—she can't tell. Usually she would find this cute but noticing it now was just a way to get herself distracted, wanting to run away from this uncomfortable and inevitable conversation.

She bowed her head and stared at the pavement. One cement block was a little bit crookedly placed than the others. She then looked at Yongsun again and sighed, "Yeah, I guess we should..." she paused, "Break up, I mean."

"That's it? You're not gonna say anything else?" Yongsun stared at her with slight disbelief. "You're not gonna ask me to stay?"

"We both know it's not good if I did that," Byulyi looked directly at Yongsun with those forlorn eyes, as if begging for something that is clearly not gonna happen. "You don't have to stay if you don't want to," she hesitated again, glanced at her snow boots briefly and said, "But can you at least hold me for a little while? Just for the last time?" 

This time, Byulyi was sure Yongsun's rose-colored nose wasn't because of the temperature. Yongsun sniffled, stepped forward and wrapped her arms around Byulyi's neck. She whispered delicately, "I'm sorry. I wish I could fix this."

Byulyi held Yongsun's waist tightly. And as she hears the sound of her heart slowly forming little cracks inside her chest, she replied, "Don't say sorry. It was no one's fault."

\--

To say Byulyi was heartbroken was an understatement. She was a massive trainwreck at the moment. It's only been a week post-break up between her and Yongsun and here she was, chugging down all the alcohol she can intake until the last of her balance in her credit card was spent. The bartender's probably looking at her with pity but she could care less. She just wanted to forget and numb the pain, maybe for a little bit.

Her head was spinning now; the lights in the club are swirling and the people are becoming blurred clumps of moving flesh in her eyes. 

Byulyi let out an audible gasp as she spotted a familiar figure amongst the crowd. 

_Yongsun?_

She couldn't make out her facial features but she kept trying to focus her line of sight towards this woman whom she thinks is her ex-girlfriend. She wasn't sure how long she was staring but her heart nearly jumped in her throat when their eyes met for a few seconds. It pumped harder when she realized 'Yongsun' was making her way towards her. _Oh, crap._

"Hey," 'Yongsun' greeted her, leaning on the bar.

_Wait, that doesn't sound like Yongsun._

The woman chuckled amusedly, "No, I'm not Yongsun."

Byulyi blinked once. Twice. "Crap, did I say that out loud?"

The woman nodded, still amused. Byulyi sheepishly ran a hand through her silver locks, a light pink shade staining her cheeks clearly flustered that the woman was, in fact, not Yongsun but just someone that reminds her of the latter. "Sorry, I'm a bit drunk right now and my eyes aren't really working properly."

"That's fine. I actually noticed you from afar and I made my way to ask if you wanted to, maybe, dance? If it's okay, that is," offered not-Yongsun.

Perhaps her being a drunken mess worked to her advantage that night for her to have this very fine lady personally ask her to dance. It was utterly embarrassing how she mistook the woman as her ex but she doesn't regret it if it meant dancing with a hot stranger and possibly, take her home afterwards.

Byulyi sobered up a bit and stood up, albeit shakily but she managed to stand on her feet without toppling over. She smiled at the stranger, "Gladly."

\--

Byulyi doesn't know how it happened. Maybe somewhere in the middle of their little dance the tension just blew up, maybe someone hailed a cab with Byulyi's apartment as a destination, fumbled with the keys a bit and shared a few touches and gropes in the hallway. Nonetheless, here they are—steadily making out on Byulyi's couch with the woman im Byulyi's lap, straddling her hips. It was hot and fiery. Teeth clashing, tongues swirling, lips getting bitten, hands ruffling each other's hair. The lust was everywhere, seething through the comforts of the living room.

They were having such a great make out session right now but all Byulyi can think of was how the woman's lips tasted very familiar. _I think it's that strawberry chapstick Yongsun always used._

That made Byulyi's wandering hands seize before it made its way under the woman's blouse. _Ah shit, here we go again._ The pain she was trying to forget resurfaced and dear god, it really fucking sucked.

This didn't go unnoticed by the woman.

"What is it?" she asked.

Byulyi shook her head, "It's nothing," and tried to capture the woman's lips again.

The woman leaned away for a bit, looked at her directly on her eyes and asked, "You're not just gonna leave after this, right? Tell me you're not in this only for the sex."

That was such a commitment a stranger is asking of her on the first night they met. But Byulyi couldn't really give a damn anymore. She was drunk, disoriented and desperate for a good fuck. She gave her answer by just pulling the woman closer to her as she attacked her lips for the second time.

The woman grinned against her lips, pulled back slightly and said, "The name's Joohyun, by the way. Bae Joohyun."

Byulyi smiled, with head a bit fuzzy and eyes a little hazy, she said, "Okay, Joohyun, I will still be here the morning after," or whatever lie she spewed out of her mouth.

\--

Okay, so maybe it wasn't really that bad agreeing to Joohyun's hopeful plea. Yes, the sex was absolutely amazing but surprisingly, it turns out Byulyi did enjoy the company of Joohyun—and vice versa. They decided to go on a few dates after that night. Coffee dates. Grabbing brunch. Late night walks near the Han river. It was nice and all, Byulyi's not gonna lie. A part of her was saying that perhaps this was it. Perhaps god has answered her prayers. She can now probably move on from being stuck with a huge obstacle named Kim Yongsun.

Tonight was a bit special. It was nothing fancy, just a little something to commemorate a month of dating. They decided to celebrate it by having dinner at Joohyun's. Of course, Joohyun will cook because Byulyi can't cook for the life of her.

This particular scenario knocked at Byulyi's head and said this was all too familiar. How a certain someone would always cook for her whenever they're gonna celebrate their monthsary. How Byulyi would sit at the kitchen counter and just watch the brunette whip up some good 'ol kimchi fried rice—her favorite dish. It just all came crashing down at her, all at once. And she can't help it. Not now, not ever. The memories were just too vivid. So fresh and raw these scars were that almost left her paralyzed in the midst of it all. She can't deny it at all. Maybe she can move on, she asked? _Bullshit. You just jinxed yourself._

Joohyun and Byulyi sat across each other at the dining table. Joohyun was talking about this random ridiculous client that ruined her day whilst she was working, something about french horns and some kind of acid trips. Joohyun's words fell deaf in her ears, and Joohyun took notice of that.

Joohyun stopped her small rant and asked, "Hey, you seem distracted. Are you okay?"

"Huh?" Byulyi looked up from her food, "You said something?"

"I was literally having a small storytelling session here and you didn't hear a word of it?" Joohyun just shook her head and said, a little worried, "Seriously though, are you okay? You look a bit.. tired?"

Rubbing the back of her neck sheepishly, Byulyi replied, "Oh. Uh yeah, I'm a bit exhausted from work. Y'know, with all the interns coming in this month, someone needs to handle them and apparently I'm the only person who can do the job well, so... yeah."

Joohyun was silent for a bit, scrutinizing Byulyi's facial features, a sliver of worry still etched on her face. "Well, okay, if you say so."

No words were exchanged after that. The silence was uncomfortable and almost painful. Only the sounds of the clanking silverware to ceramic plates were heard. Byulyi and Joohyun aren't usually like this. But what more could they say, really? Joohyun knows something was wrong but she's waiting for Byulyi to be the one to say it to her, not pressure her into disclosing what the lingering problem is. On the other hand, Byulyi knows what is wrong and she feels guilt crawling in her skin. She doen't really have any idea how to tell Joohyun that she's still kind of, a tad bit, in love with her ex-girlfriend and that she feels she is beimg unfair towards her.

But what Byulyi doesn't know is that Joohyun has a hunch of what the problem was.

Joohyun was a natural observer. She is perceptive of her surroundings and other people's feelings. She notices everytime Byulyi would woefully stare at the distance whenever they were together, as if waiting for something that's never gonna come back. She notices how everytime they had sex, Byulyi looked as if she was picturing Joohyun as someone else. Oh, how she notices all these things and how hard she tries to pretend that they're not there and that it isn't tearing her slowly apart on the inside. Byulyi was there with her yet at the same time she's not.

That night, they exchanged quiet goodbyes, went their separate ways with their guarded up hearts and questions left unanswered.

\--

(Flashback)

"Byul-ah! Didn't I tell you to wash the dishes yesterday? Why are the dishes still here?"

"Dear god woman, stop nagging. I'm too tired for this shit."

Yongsun gestured at the pile of plates and silverware on the kitchen sink, "I wasn't nagging. I was simply trying to say that you could've spared a few minutes just to do the dishes, maybe in the morning or after work," she said, standing beside the kitchen counter, with a hand on her hip. 

Byulyi let out a big exaggerated sigh and ruffled her hair frustratingly, "Y'know work is very hectic right now. Maybe you should've washed it since you have so much time in your hands."

"So much time? Byulyi, I've been taking care of my sick grandmother since last week, and you say I have so much time?" Yongsun replied, a bit offended.

"Well, even so, you're spending time here more than I do so it only makes sense that you wash it."

This was another one of their fights over small petty things that usually ends up pretty badly. Either someone sleeps on the couch or someone sleeps at a friend's house. Lately, their fights have been explosive and their temper around each other just couldn't be tolerated. Every little flaw or mistake one person makes, it irks the other so much they'd grind their teeth. Every moment spent with each other felt like walking on egg shells.

"This is not about me, Moon Byulyi. I am just asking you to at least take a little bit of responsibility in this house and for you to stop making excuses," Yongsun exasperatedly said, smacking the cereal box—that she somehow ended up holding in the midst of their heated exchange—a little too harshly.

Byulyi was clearly very irritated with where the conversation is heading again. She is usually very composed around other people a little bit too patient and understanding for other people's comfort but right now, her patience is wearing thin. "Excuses? I'm not making things up! And what do you mean? Am I not taking enough responsibility just because I didn't wash a few dishes? Stop being immature!" 

"Don't you dare raise your voice on me, Byulyi. And I'm not immature," Yongsun said with eyebrows deeply furrowed and a spark of cold concealed rage in her eyes.

"Yes, you are. Stop acting like one, it's very annoying."

Yongsun groaned loudly, wanting to punch something or anything near her, "You know what? I can't have this conversation with you right now. This is stressing me out so much," she said as she went to the front door, not without grabbing her car keys and purse. "Talk to me when you're decent."

"What? Where are you going?" Byulyi asked, still a bit vexed.

Yongsun gave her an icy glare, "It's none of your business."

With that, Byulyi chuckled humorlessly, "Oh wow, so I don't have the right to know now? That's fine, you can just run away, like you always do. That's what you're good at anyways, right?" 

Yongsun whipped her head to face Byulyi, her mouth fell into an 'o' shape—her face stating how offended she was by Byulyi's remarks. The initial shock was replaced with disgust, disbelief and distress all at the same time. Byulyi almost fell sorry for her when she noticed tears wetting her girlfriend's eyes, only if it wasn't for her damned pride.

"Fuck you," Yongsun said with a shaky voice and twisted the door knob as the first of her tears fell from her eyes down to her cheek.

Byulyi watched Yongsun walk out the door and she was left there standing in the middle of the living room. The heat from their argument subsided, her face wasn't red with rage anymore but she really couldn't tell what she's feeling at the moment. It's strange, how right now she feels disconnected from everything. From her girlfriend, her family, her work, herself and this house.

Now she understands what it meant when they said you can feel the cold when you're all alone in the apartment with nothing but thoughts to accompany you.

Where did it all go wrong with their relationship? They weren't this aggressive when arguing before—what changed? And how? She can't even remember the last time they kissed properly or snuggled in bed. Now, they were just constantly fighting like cat and dog, never having a common ground. They're so opposite yet so painfully similar that maybe they tried to mold themselves to fit into each other's confusing puzzle in which they ended up losing themselves in the process. Being with each other now felt so.. oddly foreign. Loving each other felt like a chore that they have to remind themselves everytime they forget. How could they let this happen?

It was scary for Byulyi. Losing herself was one thing but losing the love of her life at the same time is a double kill. It pains her to even think about it. She couldn't think of a world without a Kim Yongsun in her life, romantically or not.

A little more with their situation like this and it will eventually lead to their downfall. And maybe, what Byulyi fears will become a reality.

(End of flashback)

\--  


Byulyi was extra pissed today. Her car broke down on her in the middle of traffic so she had to get it towed. She couldn't go to work because of it and then after that, she and Joohyun had a little argument about lack of toilet papers yet again. So, now she's on her way to buy toilet paper rolls in the nearby grocery store.

They've been dating for a little over 6 months and they're kind of sharing a flat now. Sure, Byulyi's somewhat happier with her relationship right now and she wasn't in much of a crisis compared to before. It's good and all, but if Byulyi's gonna admit (which she won't) a part of her knows she doesn't really love Joohyun as much as Joohyun loves her. She will never admit that despite her appreciating the fact that Joohyun is still there for her, their relationship started because Byulyi needed a temporary settlement. Just someone to kiss the heartbreak off her lips and fuck all her pain away. And maybe she still does feel like that even after all their months of dating, but no, she will never admit any of that. She knows she's a huge jerk for that but somewhere along the lines, she is sincerely wishing she'll fall in love with Joohyun because that's what the older woman deserves.

Small droplets of rain fell from the sky. "Shit," Byulyi cursed. She didn't notice how the skies were grey and the sun wasn't shining because of all her stress, just perfect for the situation she's in right now.

The droplets turned into heavy pouring rain. Byulyi had to seek shelter under the nearest shed she can find, which was thankfully, just a couple of steps from where she was.

Oh, she was pissed now, alright. _Fucking toilet papers. Stupid broken cars. Fucking rain. Stupid ex still in my goddamn mind--_

"Byul-ah?"

Byulyi stopped her inner rant when she heard that sweet yet sultry voice she knows so well which uttered her name for the first time in so long. Her heart jumped in her chest and her stomach did small somersaults as she glanced towards the owner of the voice.

Speak of the devil.

It was her stupid ex that was still in her mind but now is right in front of her. Under that same waiting shed. Stuck because of that damned pouring rain. Still so fucking ethereally beautiful even with slightly drenched hair. 

Byulyi isn't sure if it's a blessing or a curse that it's just the two of them right now.

"Y-Yongsun.." Byulyi cursed inwardly for stuttering, "What are you doing here?"

Yongsun looked at her oddly at first then gave a small smile, "Well, my car broke down near here. I was about to call for towing services until the rain decided to make my day even worse."

_Fucking destiny,_ Byulyi thought.

"Oh wow, me too," Byulyi ran her hand through her wet silver hair, "my car broke down too and I'm having a terrible day."

"Oh wow," Yongsun unconsciously copied her.

The silence between them was louder than the heavy downpour. To say that it's awkward was to say the least. The atmosphere was thicker than the snow that feel that day when they broke up. And now here they are again. Neither of them expected this to happen but it did. Destiny was playing dirty tricks and it probably had more in store for them.

They don't know how long they stayed like that but Byulyi was the one who broke the defeaning silence. She asked that one question that lingered her mind throughout the months after they split, "Did you regret it?"

Yongsun looked at her, a bit confused, "What?"

"Did you regret it, I mean, breaking up with me?" Byulyi shuffled her feet to ease the awkwardness and anxiety tingling her toes.

"Ah," Yongsun looked at the passing cars at the street in front of them, "I didn't regret it at all."

Byulyi waited. Yongsun sensed it so she continued, "I didn't regret it because it made us who we are today. I wished we never fell apart but we did, and maybe that's just exactly what we needed. We were in such a mess of ourselves, Byul-ah."

Silence enveloped them once again. Neither of them looking at each other, afraid that the other would read what's on their mind, afraid that anytime any of them will break down in front of the other and just weep.

A car passes by. Two cars. A few more and Byulyi asks, "What if we never met, Yong?" A pause. "Would it have been better?"

Yongsun inhaled, petrichor filled her lungs momentarily then she exhaled. "I wouldn't trade our memories together for another life without you," she said. And this time, she looked straight into Byulyi's eyes. 

"I still love you," Yongsun said firmly yet her resolve wavered, "but I'm afraid to lose myself again."

Byulyi reached forward and held both of Yongsun's slightly damped hands. Maybe it was the selfish idiot in her speaking, maybe it is what she truly wanted all along, maybe she kinda forgot about her current girlfriend and she is a massive douche because of that but she couldn't let this go. She locked eyes with Yongsun, eyes filled with determination, she said:

"If you really love me, don't move on."


End file.
